I Woke up at 2:33 AM this morning. Below were my thoughts that kept me awake.
4:33 AM – I can’t go back to sleep. It’s as if I’m fully awake now. The heat woke me up initially, and I decided to switch to the living room where it’s cooler. It felt a lot better, but it’s not the temperature keeping me from sleep. My mind just keeps going with questions and problems. I don’t know how to solve resolve a lot of them.
I want to help people, but how am I supposed to help others if I can’t even solve my own problems? What is with all this uncertainty? Why can’t I just keep my mind at peace?
I’ve been awake for two hours and I can’t go back to sleep – Why? Why do things keep running through my mind? If there’s such a thing as ‘Restless Mind Syndrome’ well, I’ve got it.
So many thoughts, so many questions. What if I never find a job? What if I’m not meant to find a job right now? Maybe I’m supposed to go to College now instead of waiting. What about that ‘spy’ problem? What if my mother dies (as she herself has stated to me before) and I’m not yet stable to fend for myself? What am I to do then?
Then there’s my ‘love’ issue. I don’t even feel like talking about that one. I ache for someone. I can’t jump to conclusions; but have I already found that person? Is this even possible? Why is it that every night must be painful?
Then there’s me. I was so certain I found myself. I’m not so sure now. I will always be who I am, that much is clear. But a lot of the details are still missing. I came to FurNation to connect with other people, and get some therapy. But am I really even a Fur? I don’t work on my Fursona, I don’t want to have a fursuit, and I don’t even use the lingo used around here. I felt a calling to come here, but what was it? Curiosity perhaps? No, there has to be more than that. My curiosity is very strong, and always gets the better of me, but there must be another factor in whatever ‘force’ that drew me here.
I exchanged phone numbers with another user yesterday. Why was I so hesitant? Why do I care if people on here know who I am in real life? It can’t be just to prevent people in real life knowing me on here. But what if they find out? Then again, what if no one finds out and I’m hiding for nothing? My name, my appearance, my contact information; why am I hiding? Is it the rules I’ve set in place for myself? Is it the fear? Why am I so afraid? I’m not shy by any means (unless I’m talking about sex), but there seems to be a reclusiveness about me. Why was it so hard for me to trust that user with my phone number? Furthermore, why did I have to muster up courage to call? What the hell is wrong with me?
It’s 5:02 now. I guess I’m staying awake. Even if I do feel tired, I can’t go back to sleep, I’ve got to get ready for today. I always can’t wait to logon to FurNation. I must be addicted or something. Noticed something just now; almost every sentence has the word ‘I’ in it. Am I self-centered? Dammit! I did it again. And again. I suppose there’s nothing that can be done about that. Comes naturally.
Should I even post this? This seems more like something I would write in my journal than sharing with the whole of a social networking site. My other problem just came back to mind. I’m so scared – of what? Of people on FurNation finding out who I am? Why am I hiding? Do I have a problem trusting people? The thing is; I don’t know who’s on the other side of the screen. Could be an FBI agent, or it could be a serial killer (what does ‘serial’ killer mean again?). Or they could just be a troll with no better purpose than to ruin people’s lives on the internet. Trust – why can’t I trust people? Which event in my life made me lose trust in people? Maybe a combination of events? Perhaps I’ve never trusted ‘strangers’ and I’m learning how to do just that.
I feel like I don’t have a place to call home. A sense of belonging. I’m an outcast everywhere I go. Every town I’ve lived in, an outcast. Kids at school pointing, laughing, plotting. I was always the ‘Cool guy’, but was I really? What were they saying behind my back? Thing is – I shouldn’t care! And I don’t, it’s all over and done with, this is now. I have to rise up from whatever ruin I put myself in. People give me funny looks – so what? I’m walking home, and a teenage couple shy away from me in fear. They think I’m a monster? Oh well, I don’t care anymore. They are the ones with that specific problem. One less burden for me; I was afraid they would mess with me, when in reality, they were more afraid of me than I was of them! It doesn’t feel good to be feared like you’re a monster, but at least there’s bittersweet comfort in knowing nobody will mess with you.
Although I do have to take care of a couple of neighbors who are stealing water from me. Literally. I thought my aunt was crazy when she lived in this house and claimed it was happening. They came into the backyard the other night and turned on my faucet outside of the house. What were they doing it for? I should have confronted them, but I’m kind of afraid of that guy. I think he’s an abusive father. I’m sure I could hold my own in a fight against him, but if he’s armed with a weapon, I would regret it. Then again, I don’t want to end up in jail for ‘assaulting him’. That’d be my luck; I catch him stealing my water, and he attacks me, I beat the crap out of him, then he turns it around on me in court. Better wait until I get electricity so I can get it on camera if anything goes wrong.
Maybe I over think things…..