I’ve been asked whether I am straight, gay, or bisexual on a few occasions now. Well, after weeks of hesitation, I have decided to unveil myself on this matter and write my story behind it. Here is the answer.
March 6th, 2012. I have that day marked on my calendar as the day my life began to change. For the entirety of my life, I had thought I knew myself better. I thought I was straight, plain and simple. “My curiosity always gets the better of me” I tell myself now. As I lost myself in the images on the screen, my mind was absent. But afterwards, I lie in bed that night, shocked and horrified at myself, and I knew I wasn’t completely Heterosexual.
I began to be scared; that someone would find out. I already didn’t know who I was, and this made things even worse. I asked myself “am I gay?” I then proceeded towards my laptop, the next morning, to find those images still there – It wasn’t a dream. This really happened. I couldn’t escape it though. The reality was that I had lost myself along the way in life, and now I’m starting to find myself later than I should have. This is something most people go through in High School, but being a ‘Late Bloomer’ so to speak, it’s no wonder why I haven’t discovered this until now.
What made things more awkward, was my roommate and another friend came over and we hung out for a while. During that time, I had to wear a mask. This time, a different mask – The ‘straight’ mask. I had to show that there was nothing bothering me at the time, and I practiced this art so well through high school, that it was so easy now. But this time, it wasn’t as easy. The fear that they would know was practically emanating from me. I was shaky, and hesitant; more hesitant than usual. I paced more, and I had to make it look casual to keep suspicion from arising. I was now trying to fit in. To make matters worse, they’re both anti-gay.
Then, a brain-wave occurred. All these years, I was attracted to women. It was impossible for me to be gay. Sweet relief. So I was stuck on Bi-sexual. But Bi-sexual is too black and white for me. Some of these ‘images’ included hermaphrodites and everything in between male and female. Perhaps there was something deeper. So I pondered a bit, and let it go after a week.
I then moved out of my friend’s apartment, and into the house I’m in now. My mom gave me a book called “Ten Secrets to Success and Inner Peace”. For years, she had given me books on self-improvement and I would never read them. I was an idiot when I was a teenager, even though I never did drugs, or get into fights, or anything of the sort. In fact, I did NOTHING. That’s right, my teenage years were empty, save a few youtube videos and projects. I hung out with friends on occasion, but it wasn’t everyday.
To get back on topic, I began reading that book and took an interest in it. “Why haven’t I known about this before?” I asked myself. The first secret is to have an open mind that’s attached to nothing. So I had to be open to everything and let go of everything I had been trained to believe. A lot of it was easy, because I hadn’t been ‘trained’ to believe much. And I was already ‘atheist’ so I was not connected to religion. I kept reading over the next few days or weeks. Then the fifth secret came along.
The fifth secret is titled “Give up your personal History”, but I learned something much more. The end of this chapter asks the readers to try removing ALL labels from themselves. Race, Religion, Political, Ethnicity, Sexuality – EVERYTHING. The truth is, we are Human. You are who you are and nothing changes that. We learn things about ourselves throughout life, but we are still who we are. This is how I found the answer to the looming cloud of “Who Am I?” We should not ask ourselves this, instead of asking a question, we should state it as an answer – “Who I Am”.
By removing the label of Sexual Orientation from myself, I made a breakthrough. I have no sexual orientation. Straight, Gay, Bisexual; these are things that divide us. The only thing that will unite us is if we remove these labels. I fit the ‘bill’ of Pansexual, but it is still a label, and that is why I do not have it on my Info Page.
So now I have no sexuality – I am neither straight or gay – I am a sexual person. I know within my heart that I would be able to love ANYONE…..and if anything, I welcome it.
But Love is another topic…….