"I would like to preface this writing by telling you that I know that you probably won't read this. I would further like to preface by admitting that I know nothing about anything.
I've been having some problems. I believe I would much rather sepulcher all of my feelings into the dank abscess of my cerebral cortex, never to be brought up in conversation whether formal or more superficial. I am quite tired of everything and would like to renounce my emotions and go back to the shell of humour and pseudo-intellectualism I once was. For a rock feels no pain, correct ? And an island apart from everything never cries. Simply put I am quite tired of giving all my love to this world only to be told that I can't see and I can't breathe and that nothing will change the way I live. The previous sentence was a quote from one of my favourite songs, Virtual Insanity. Though I digress. Not as if it matters much, I'm not quite sure who'll read this. Some of you will laugh at me, I'm sure, and this is counterproductive. Information and understanding are the most important currencies currently available to humans. "Love" is an amalgamated term for what is wrong in this world. Love kills and love hurts. Sometimes it is a good hurt and it feels like you are alive but ultimately, at the risk of sounding like a Nazi, love is hedonistic and asinine as a concept. Information and understand are far more reliable and I trust them far more than I trust love. Would it be idiotic of me to say that I love information ? I am being facetious, of course. I am saying fuck emotion, fuck 'humanity,' fuck worrying about being 'humane,' and fuck this bleeding heart of mine. Are these impulsive statements, reflecting my emotions by the second ? Yes, probably. Misanthropy is also counter-productive but after all this time I am hard-pressed to find any alternative. That is not to say there aren't good people in this world- in my short tenure of being here I have had the pleasure to meet many good people, including people I never expected to be injected into my life. But I smile at their affection and I revel in the fact that we have made a soul connection. That, too is a quote. So to some of you: Thank you ! To the rest of you: Uhm, thank you too I guess ! I shall give it my very best to try and make things good again, if they were ever good in the first place. Though for the time being I am stuck with a veritable mental, emotional and social barodontalgia; things pressing down upon me until I scream and metaphorically cry for my uncle. I used to have high self esteem. I used to be all "You don't have to believe in God hereafter, just believe in me." I then became a realist and realized how so far below I am from most people."
I wrote this recently. More recently than I would be comfortable with admitting, but sometimes we must do things that make us uncomfortable. I wrote this on May 15th. It is now June 19th and I am quite a different person to say the very least. Reading this, I am sure that you have no troubles discerning from the fact that the Axel depicted in that writing is a very different, very disgustingly negative Axel. Compared with the current, positive Axel who is very much in tune with love, it seems very difficult to believe that that could've been written by the same person, correct ? That's the face of heartbreak, however. Heartbreak has a way of tearing down the strongest, most positive of people. It's extremely painful, but I assure you that with time, distance, and good friends, you can over come nearly any amount of heartbreak. Use me as an example and I'm sure you'll make it through.
