Text (C)2012 Kevin Foxboy 47, All Rights Reserved.
(Just a silly fur thing I first wrote in high school)
The Dangers of Asparagus
A little while ago in a garden fairly close by lived a mighty
oak tree, a lovely red robin and a caterpillar. OK, lotsa others lived
there too, but the robin sat around on the oak most of the day, and
the tree was so bored it let the robin sit on it and let the cater-
pillar crawl up it.
I'm not sure how to tell if the oak or caterpillar were guys
or gals or one of each, and maybe they don't care. But the robin was
a girl, and one day she flew around a little until she crossed the
garden and the next one. On the far side she saw a flash of green and
circled back. Another garden was fun to explore, so Miss Robin flitted
down and spent about an hour buzzing the funny-looking stalks.
They were stuck in the ground as plants usually are, solid-
looking with tightly-held buds. Miss Robin landed and hopped up to say
hello. The asparagus didn't react at all, which wasn't very polite.
Miss Robin pushed it gently and it still didn't say anything. Remember
she was used to talking with the oak and caterpillar at home.
A nearby radish spoke up and told Miss Robin that Larry was a
stuck-up silly who wouldn't talk with anyone. Miss Robin thanked it
and admired its full round body and red skin with the green hair. The
radish blushed and said Larry wouldn't bother to speak even if Miss
Robin nibbled a few buds.
She was surprised so she decided to check the radish's story.
A nibble here and there confirmed that none of the asparagus stalks
would talk with the robin. The bird was so intrigued by the silent
green veg she forgot to look around, and the radish was too short
to alert her to the danger. A red fox jumped on Miss Robin.
After a few days the oak and caterpillar noticed Miss Robin
hadn't flown back yet, and since the oak had so much trouble picking
up its roots to walk around and look, the caterpillar decided to do
all the work. It was upset about the unfairness and shut itself up
for a while. Well, the oak bloomed and stuck its leaves out as usual,
and after a while the white hut the caterpillar made opened up.
But what the heck was this thing? Where was the caterpillar
the oak had spoken with all these weeks? Sure, this thing was colorful
and had wings like Miss Robin, but it didn't know the poor oak and
flew away. Now the poor tree was all alone with nobody to help it.
Sure it had company, but the squirrels were naughty and kept chewing
on the oak! When it dropped a few acorns just to say hi, they ran up,
grabbed the acorns and ran away. The oak was sad.
Meanwhile the butterfly who'd been the oak's friendly cater-
pillar flew around like it was dizzy until it got flagged by a bluefly.
The butterfly promised to be careful and look out for others, and got
away with just a warning. It flitted over the garden, through the next
one and and was just about to go talk with the tall green veg through
the fence when it forgot to look out and blundered into a spider's web.
After a while the lady of the web wandered out and chewed on
the poor butterfly. It was nice and juicy and tender, and the spider
was so intent on the colorful little morsel it never noticed the red
fox trotting up until it was too late. If it hadn't been for the
vicious asparagus distracting the butterfly, the spider would still
It took a while for the sad oak to notice Miss Robin still
wasn't back, and that silly colorful thing was still out flitting.
There was no nice bird to sit on it, no fuzzy caterpillar to tickle
it, and the poor oak was so forlorn it forgot to poke its leaves out.
Since a tree needs its leaves to catch sunlight and make food the sad
depressed oak got weaker and weaker and fell over, across the small
garden and over the next one.
The oak was a tree and hadn't realised it was tall enough to
just look over the gardens and look for Miss Robin. It would've seen
the red fox eat her, and the butterfly and spider. There were a few
squirrels poking around its boughs who hadn't twigged the tree was
sick and fell over, so they were knocked silly on the ground and since
the fence was squashed, the red fox hopped over and ate them too.
They were nice and fat from the acorns. Delicious, thank you
for asking. I enjoyed the bird and squirrels, the bugs not so much
cause they were small, but shiny and attractive. I smiled and chuckled
because I'd avoided the suburban homeowners who were mad at me for
biting into the other vegs, until they planted asparagus.
I left that alone, to attract the robin and squirrels. They
ran away, so I planned it so the oak would fall. Heh heh, it brought
food right to me! Even when the humans cut the tree up and took it
away, the acorns attracted more squirrels. Black, gray, red, I don't
discriminate. They're all yummy.
And they were all victims of The Vicious Dangerous Asparagus.